#10. Looking Back

Looking back. Not one of my favorite activities. I’m the blogger who never reads his posts after they’ve been published. It’s just not my style. Sure I’ll proofread the post, but chances are I won’t read it again. It always feels strange reading what I’ve engineered. Plus I’ll definitely feel as if I could have done a better job, and end up editing post after post, to infinity. I don’t want that. No sir! Not at all.

looking back
Looking Back by Michael Pollak on Flickr

I’ll be turning 19 very soon, and I might as well mark the occasion by standing on my well used soapbox and say something. After all, I’m the fool who went to start a blog! I’m still a greenhorn in the blogger-verse, but I can already feel the effects of blogging ‘frequently’ (yes, *once* a month is frequently!!) I find that I can articulate myself more. I tend to observe things now that would never have held any interest before my blogging days.

I’ve become more analytical of situations than I ever was before. There have been times that I’ve spent hours thinking critically about some mundane issue. Too bad I didn’t get the strength to outline the thought process here. No need to show you how crazy I actually am! I’m actually enjoying this, even though I’m not making any money. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever monetize this blog. I hate the fact that I need money in my life, and I need something that can be completely detached from the piece of paper that has made men evil. Maybe it’s this blog, maybe it’s not.Who knows?
I started blogging without a definite idea of what I was going to write about. All I knew was that I wanted to write. Over time I’ve been defining myself and getting to know what makes me tick. We’re always changing, but it’s a wonderful thing to get a glimpse of your own person, even if for a minute or so. When I started blogging I didn’t know what I wanted in life. I can’t say that I have a concrete idea of what I really want in this life, but at least I know some of what I want. I want my life to be meaningful for example. I don’t want to be wasting oxygen that could have increased the lifespan of someone else. I don’t want my life to be all about the salary at the end of the month. I don’t want to work solely for profit, with nothing else influencing my actions.That is definitely not who I am. Blogging has helped me realize this. It’s therapeutic to say the least.
Looking back, I’ve been a very confused teenager. I’ve had the *usual* and *not so usual* encounters with the fairer sex, and my heart has gone through turmoils that should not be discussed on cyberspace. It was necessary, for now I’m battle hardened, and I know more about puppy love than most people would like to know. At least I’ll be going to campus with a mature head on my shoulders (at least a little mature at the very least). I won’t allow myself to be used, and neither will I stay in the friend zone if I know I don’t want to stay there. Always apply the principle of “omba unyimwe” which loosely translates to “Ask. Don’t think she’ll say no if you haven’t asked her!! Hear it from her!” I followed that advice and ended up CALLING SOMEONE AT ONE IN THE MORNING, but I’m all the better for it. I heard it directly from her and now I’m at peace. Knowing something is better than always wondering. So my 2 cents advice is to get it over and done with. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. And I say that with experience on my side.
I can’t completely state with absolute confidence that I’ve now settled down and know exactly what to write about. That would be lying to myself and to you. However, blogging is one of the best things that can ever happen to you, if you don’t care for the money or for who is reading what you write and so on. That’s why I can write a long post and not really care who reads it or not. B/c I’m blogging primarily for myself, and admitting that takes a lot of guts, but hey, it’s out there!!
So as I look back, it’s not with regret or pride or anything like that, but rather with a sober look at the instances that have helped define who I am (in part, b/c I still don’t know myself very well). Blogging has fine tuned my mind. I can confidently state that I’ll be going too campus knowing full well what I want for my future, career wise. That surety is priceless. I work with focus. Once the goal has been identified, I battle on like a horse wearing blinkers. Perhaps that’s why I stay for a long time before making a decision. But once the decision is made, there’s no holding me back.
I’ve had a good 18 years. Now it’s time to reinvent myself for the future. Now’s the time to strike.
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