I welcomed the new year with a feeling that could be described as a mixture of foreboding, indifference and resignation. I was up before the clock struck midnight, watching ‘The Lord of the Rings’ with my small cousin. I could feel sleep creeping up on me. I wasn’t as strong as I have been in past years. I spent several minutes looking wistfully at my bed, but knowing that I couldn’t slip in without my cousin feeling disappointed. So I struggled to keep one eye open, watching characters I’ve watched too many times to say without feeling embarrassed.
At exactly 11.58 pm, my phone’s alarm went off, and I shook off my slumber and started typing my happy new year message. I wanted it to feel special, and I wanted to time it such that the recipient got it at exactly midnight. I shook my head at the cheesiness of it all, but I’d already made a decision. Might as well get it over and done with. I smiled as I accomplished that simple task, for it symbolized something much more than a happy new years to me. I had chosen who to send that message to at that specific time. I felt happy at having finally gotten a grip on my mental faculties. This year was going to be different. I was going to be in charge of some of the most important areas of my life, and the thought warmed my soul. I had made a decision, and it was turning out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made.
I could feel the fear slowly percolating in the background. This year is going to be a watershed year for me. I am planning on making major moves in my academic, financial and social life. Everything could go as planned, or I could end up crashing to the ground with nothing to show for my efforts. I like planning things and watching them slowly come to fruition. But I am also aware of the chaos in our world, and of how often plans are overturned or completely changed, often without notice. I have made allowance for that as well. However, I’m still afraid of failing, of being rejected, of being broken into tiny little pieces.
The one lesson I have carried over from 2014 is learning to let things go. It has taken a lot of time for me to fully accept that things cannot go my way every time. Therefore, even if I feel that everything in 2015 seems to be hanging in the balance, ready to swing either way, I am slowly accepting that fact and learning to live my life in the midst of the storm. There is no single time that you will have everything going exactly the way you want it to. While I am not advocating for reckless or irresponsible behavior, this life is definitely not a rehearsal. There is a chance that I will get everything. There is a chance I will get nothing. It will not be easy. I might fail. I am ready to see what lies underneath the veil.
Winter is coming.