Monday morning,7.50 AM. I was drifting in and out of sleep. My mind was perfectly blank and empty, a cherished feeling that doesn’t come as often as it should. My ears picked up the frantic activity of my roommates, preparing for a class that was to start in the next ten minutes. They’d be late as usual. I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. I could have cried, but I’ve gone through enough to have a solid defense mechanism. I couldn’t join them, not just yet. Still had one exam to pass before I could join the fray. Remaining stuck in Limbo is worse than falling on either side. I have been the watcher on the wall for far too long.
I woke up after they’d left and locked the door (ostensibly to prevent anyone from gaining access to the house while I counted sheep). My room was a lesson in chaos. I had no motivation to keep it clean and balanced. I drew the curtains, scratched myself in unprintable places and opened my laptop, my most faithful companion. I could feel the darkness encroaching on my soul. The despair, loneliness and detachment from the rest of the world. I prayed that there would be food left in the kitchen. I didn’t want to venture out into the world. I was feeling too vulnerable.
The lull in my academic studies has afforded me the opportunity to examine myself. The fact that I don’t really have anyone who could understand how conflicted and confused I am has left me no choice other than to confront myself. I have had to question many things, from the existence of God to the meaning of life. Scouring philosophy books and the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy has allowed me to gain perspective on some of the weighty issues I’ve been battling with.
The unexamined life is not worth living. How can I influence events around me to achieve my goals if I have no clue as to what I believe in and the reasons for those beliefs? How can I reach out and form a connection with a significant other if I do not know myself? How can I appreciate the trials and suffering that we go through everyday without a fine grasp of the big picture? I have rough ideas of who I am and what makes me comfortable and what does not. It is time to crystallize these ideas and form a concrete body of what makes me, well, ME.
I have battled with self-doubt and lack of confidence. I have allowed fear to short-circuit my brain and dilute my faith in God and in my abilities. I have allowed my Will to be compromised by my bodily desires, leading to habits that encourage sloth and pessimism. That stops now. I have drawn the line in the sand. It is time to reclaim my optimism. It is time to launch into the deep and find the strength to battle with my misplaced fears. Time to go after what I really want, who I really want.
My rumbling stomach cut short my fiery internal rhetoric. I walked into the kitchen in my FC Barcelona shorts (I really suck as a football fan) and a flimsy t-shirt. If I was launching into the deep for mental strength and faith, I might as well get some food in the process.