The Audacity of Hope

The plate of unfinished food is in the kitchen, fighting it out with the roaches that have ┬ásurvived our spirited attempts at genocide. It is cold outside, I can feel it in my bones. Has to be the rain. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t read medicine with the same fervor I used to read it. There’s something wrong. My mind knows this. My body can feel it.

I’m listening to Adele’s latest album, 25, one hour before midnight. There is a girl in my bed tonight. A lovely girl, with excellent fat distribution and a waist to hip ratio that is to die for. I won’t be sleeping in my bed (cue shocked gasps). My heart beats for another. I cannot state with certainty that I’ll get my heart’s desire, but I will not jeopardize the slightest chance I have to make my dreams come true. Fat distribution be damned.

I have lost a lot of weight in the past few months. Not enough to make me look emaciated,but enough to elicit comments from people who know me well. Enough for it to be noticed every time I change my profile picture on social media accounts. It is my body’s way of telling me that I’m dealing with too much stress. I have become so accustomed to the feeling of near-drowning that I barely notice it anymore. I have stopped feeling scared of what the following day will bring. I am surrounded by a peace that surpasses understanding, even though I’m experiencing considerable mass wasting.

I am more determined than ever to achieve my objectives, no matter how many hurdles may be placed on my path. The same persistence and ruthless devotion that were cultured on the chessboard have come to my aid in my time of need. I have realized that there are two outcomes in every situation: your desired outcome and the other one :). Question is, how much do you want your desired outcome? How badly are you willing to fight for it? The world, and the people in it, are no pushovers. Power is not won without a struggle.

I doubt myself a lot. Sometimes I let other people’s fears and doubts cloud my judgment. The good thing is that I’ve learnt from my mistakes. I won’t let these things affect my resolve. My body will suffer, but only for a little while longer. Things might not go my way, but I will fall fighting. There is honor in a well fought, but lost, battle.

It is true that the path in front of me is shrouded in darkness. Yet I trudge on, fearful yes, but also hopeful. A hope so strong and hot that it makes me smile when there is nothing to smile at. A hope so strong you’d mistake it for delusions of grandeur. I want victory. I want the girl. And I’ll get them both. The audacity of hope, people. The audacity of hope.